Arlack Stew, 30 years of slow cooking! (Part 5)
And so some of the worst decisions of my adult life were made. I do not excuse myself for what I did, and I will never be done berating myself for things. I was never sure how Jeanette felt about me. Part of it being she kept her thoughts and feelings hidden, but mostly because I felt as though no one could care about me. And wouldn’t accept the idea. So our relationship was unresolved, given that our breakup was not actually wanted by either of us. Drowning in my own self loathing as I was, I grasped onto any floating debris I could find. Tori and I had been drifting apart for some time. She pushed me away most of the time. Any attempts I made to talk to her, or get close were swept aside.
I started inviting Jeanette over, trying to figure out if she ever had feelings for me, and if they still existed. She was also keeping me at a distance, and I had no clue of her thoughts as usual. My ability to read her was clouded by my own internal struggles. For a little while I was very much entertaining the idea of leaving Tori….
At the very least I insisted I needed to know what Jeanette felt, and if there was anything even there. So I requested of Tori to kiss Jeanette. Even with a nearly none existent sex life for years, I refused to cheat. And to me that means without permission. She grudgingly gave it, and I convinced Jeanette to let me kiss her. I know I felt something, but then again I figured I would. However I do not know what her thoughts were. I do know that I felt wretched about the whole thing. And though I was in a tailspin again, I came to decide that I needed to work things out with Tori. And I chose her over Jeanette. After talking with Jeanette I found the reason she had kept me at a distance was because she did not want to get in the way of Tori and I. Not that she didn’t care about me, but because she did not want to hurt Tori. Though she still refused to let me know what was going on in her head.
Tori and I started to address the problems in our relationship. We got things working again, and started to communicate more, and more openly. Then my mother moved out, and we took over the downstairs. Turning the upstairs living room into a bedroom, we had the upstairs kitchen removed and put in a washer/dryer. No longer sleeping in the “living room”, things were looking up. And as our future was looking bright, she dropped a bomb on me…
She insisted that if we did not have another child soon, we would not ever. And as we both wanted 2 kids, a boy and girl, we decided to have another. Though our first child was 5 now, we started trying for a second. Much discussion was had over names, and we decided on some naming conventions. We came up with a name for a boy or a girl, so we had one prepared this time no matter what we had. Good thing too, as we had another boy!
We were informed that it was dangerous for Tori to have a child, given that her first was cesarean they needed to take the second that way too. And any future children would need to be done the same way. Tori was born very premature herself, and has scar tissue in her throat, makes her sound like she is losing her voice all the time, in a more sexy way though. *wink* That however, was a problem for knocking her out for the surgery. As her breathing passage was so small, an infant tube was to large to fit well. Having that risk of suffocation we opted to have her fixed, deciding that we would never have our girl, as Tori’s life was more important then a chance at a girl down the road.
Not much else happened for a while, things were steady and much healing was happening. And life, being what it is, decided to kick us again. *sigh* She was pregnant….