Arlack stew, 30 years of slow cooking! (Part 2)
Here we are again, taking a peak into the head of Arlack. Careful, watch your step or those roots might trip you up. 😛
After the loss of my mothers relationship, she moved us back to our home state of Michigan. As could be expected my life did not improve with the new environment. I continued to implode, pushing everyone away, beating myself up, and generally being a pain in the rear. Lived with my favorite cousin, Sabrina, for a time. Things were better for a while. She being a great help throughout my life. Started falling for her neighbor, first time I got to second base. O.O Things were going well, and for a while I was happy. Then I moved back to my mothers, and I started sliding again. Cared little for school, just did my work so I could get it out of the way, and spent most of my time hanging with friends, or working on D&D stuff. Though at the time I had no self confidence and hated myself, I wish I had realized I had a brain. As I was a strait A student despite my lack of paying attention.
Sabrina moved closer and we started hanging out again. She introduced me to many of her friends, and I found romance in that group. A few actually. *laugh* My first girlfriend, Lisa was in that group, though she was not my first choice. The other being….well she didn’t let people get close to her. And so I started a long distance relationship, in high school. Not the smartest thing to do. Most of the time our contact was letter or phone. Only every couple weeks or so we would actually get to spend time together. Though we are no longer together, in fact I do not even have any contact with her, she still holds a place in my heart. First girl I ever cared about. After almost a year I broke it off with her, long distance at our age just wasn’t working.
I then met my next girlfriend, Sandy. And at the age of 16 I lost my virginity with her. >.> Due to my low opinion of myself, and because of a girl in school I was falling for, I took drama for an English credit. Glad I did, as I met some great people, found that I enjoy a bit of acting, and I think it helped with my D&D playing.
At this time things were not going well at home. I was not able to cope with my mother, and my self destructiveness was getting worse. Though when I was younger I had tried to end my life, I was getting more serious about it. Instead of half hearted attempts, I was thinking of ways to “get the job done right”. Then on my 17th birthday my mother blew up at me. I had had enough. I call my best friend at the time, Dan, and sought help. He, his mother, and his step father saved my life. I “ran away from home” and they took me in. Showed me what a family should look like. Cared about me and started pushing me to succeed. And that is when I really started to heal. While living with Dan and his family, I started my first job. An Italian eatery at the local mall. Thanks to Jeanette, the girl I was falling for in school. Thanks to my grandfather, who was a Marine drill Sargent, I have a good work ethic at least.
Usually while he was cooking I would have chats with John(Dan’s stepfather). And he helped me realize I was not a worthless person, and not brainless. In fact, he told me I was one of the most intelligent people had has known. Not child, but person. As I looked up to him it meant a great deal, and is still one of the things that helps me get by. I hold on to that and try and do better. I do not think I have ever let them know, I greatly thank both Dan and John for saving me, and helping me grow as a person. They were going adopt me, but after talking to his lawyer, it was determined that it was a waste of time, as by time things would get done, i would already be 18. And as there was at the time at least, not much my mother could do about a “runaway 17 year old”, I just lived with them.
Sadly I ruined things. Because I was still “healing” my state of mind, I destroyed John’s trust in me. Went to Sabrina, and her boyfriend Todd, and stayed the weekend, and into the week. Telling John I was at school….Dan, and I hold no ill will to him for this, told John that I was in fact not there. And John kicked me out. Harsh lesson perhaps, but I now hold honesty as an almost sacred thing. Even little lies can sour a relationship. Before I even finished my 10th grade, I dropped out. The choice I was facing, was to move back in with my mother, and likely not survive things, or drop school and keep my job and live with Sabrina and Todd, her future husband, and my future best friend. (You know, the kind of guy that will take off work to take his buddy to the ER. There for you when it really matters, Hope you know the type, as he’s a great guy). I chose the latter. My relationship with sandy by then was over.
As I was single, and reeling from the loss of my future. I decided to pursue my high school love interest. I tried to put my failings out of my head, and make a real attempt with this woman. Though she was (at least I felt), far out of my league, I eventually grew on her. And we “dated” for a while, at least that is how she phrased it to me. *laugh* I had interest only in her at the time, and wanted to make things work. My emotions for her grew even more, and I was thinking of a future with her in it. Then, as they had always done in my life, things went horribly wrong. My memory of the specifics are fuzzy, but what I recall, I was fed information that she did not in fact like me, something about “kissing me was like kissing her brother”. And….having self esteem issues still, I accepted it as it was presented, and quickly distanced myself from her. This relationship would continue to alter my life. And nearly lead my life into ruin. But that is for another stew post, maybe 3 or 4. 😛