Feeding the Tree.
Things for me have been very strange as of late. Those of you who have read my “history” (2 parts so far), will understand I have self esteem issues. And several people have been telling me over the last few months, how much of an inspiration I am. My default response is “How could a loser like me inspire anyone?”, but after I push my mothers voice out of my head for a moment, I see it.
This last year has seen major growth in me. In the way I think about myself. I mean, I still have the self loathing roaming around my head all the time. But it’s getting more distant, less a controlling force in my life. As my Arlack stew, explains, I have destroyed much of my world. But I am taking control of my life. Things with my wife are getting far better, and I am more in love with her then I was 13 years ago when we got together. Most of the people I know likely have little clue how I think about myself most of the time. Given that I often say how smart I am, how mature I am, how good of a person I am. But the truth is most of the time I do not feel any of that. I say it partly as a mask, but mostly to try and convince myself. Only in the last year have I really started to think, maybe those things are true. Maybe I am a good guy, smart and caring. I started being “good” to make up for all the harm I caused when I was younger. I no longer think I need to make up for things, I believe I’ve spent long enough that I can just be me. And I do enjoy brightening the life of others. Emotion is contagious, spread the love! hehe
So, in those moments that I can push aside my emotions for myself, and really think about it. I can understand why someone would be inspired. With the depression I deal with, over this last year I have turned my life around. Not by seeking some “self help” knowledge, not by having someone else do things for me, but just picking myself up, making my world and the world of those around me better, as best I can. I have lost about 110 pounds in less then a year, taking better care of my kids, of my wife, and of my friends. So, some moments I’ll see it and accept it. >.> Others I am sure to deny it. What I find funny, is that, though my tale has given hope to others, the acknowledgment of that helps motivate me, it assists in keeping me going. Something I can hold onto when I feel down.
To those of you who have been openly supporting my transformation, I give a huge thanks to you. It is the love I have for my family and friends, and the love you all have for me, that is keeping me going, making me want to be better. Because I am so adept at hiding things, and always there to be a shoulder to cry on for everyone else, people don’t see how much I struggle. Even a tree needs support sometimes. So thank you all. The nutrients you are providing me are helping me flourish!