Arlack Stew, 30 years of slow cooking! (Part 4)
There we were, new parents, and without a great network of family and friends. Sure, we had some, but not like many others I know. I for one did not handle things well. Because of our work schedules, the availability of a single car, and the distance to work, we had a long talk about how we would deal with things. I have always had more patients then her, and can handle being bored a bit better then she can. She tends to get cabin fever on vacation, so her being a stay at home mother was out of the question. Sadly I had to give up my job, even though I was being trained for a management position.
My life as a homemaker began, and boy was it a rocky road. Not really having the ability to cope with the stress of life, I spent my days stressed and alone. With both Tori and our roommate at work 9 hours out of the day, and the night being restless because Tori had to get her rest for work, I was sleep deprived, incredibly stressed, and feeling very much alone.
And if that alone was not enough, our son being born early came with other problems. The doctors worried about his heart. They had him on a heart monitor, and the thing went off far to often. And to top it all off, our son seemed to hate me. He would spend the whole day crying at me, changing him, holding, feeding, nothing consoled him…other then his mother. (I am aware now, though not then, that it was my stress that caused him to act that way. :-P) I about lost it, I, being the immature person I was, nearly gave up on it all. I thought about abandoning my responsibilities, suicide being a strong thought in my head.
It took me some time, and eventually I came to grips with my new life, and started looking at my life differently. While, at the time I hated things, I had to look after my child, and his life was far more important then my misery. And so I latched onto that, and started handling things better. Though, >.> Still stressed and completely depressed.
As for Tori and I being wed, that was put on a back burner. With transportation and finances being so tight, we could not afford to have anything come of it. Though at least to me, in my heart I was already bound to her. A piece of paper mattered little in the long run.
Then life decided to kick us, while we were already down…the water heater in the trailer we lived in burst, flooding our bedroom. Sadly our roommate, who owned the trailer, did not have the funds to do anything about it. Having a baby we were forced to move, but had little choice in where to go. So we moved in with her mother, to me out in the middle of nowhere.
And there my isolation grew even further, being that it was a good 20-30 minute drive for all my friends, I often didn’t see any of them. And the internet was old phone line only, so my online interactions died as well. All I had for company, was Tori, when she was home, her sister, who I very much dislike, her mother who, while I get along with her, we share few interests, my baby, and her brother, who is mentally retarded (Again, not an insult, only a statement about his mental status.) And so I was the most alone I had felt ever in my life.
Tori and I finally got married. No church or proper ceremony just a court house, judge, and our (at the time) two closest friends. Randy and Carrie.
The only thing that kept me going was my love for Tori and our child. I lost contact with most of my friends, and started sliding downhill again. Eventually I could not take it anymore, and we did something that I dreaded. We moved in with my mother back in town. *shiver* If it was not for Tori and Joseph (my son. :-P), I would not have been able to handle it. I reconnected with some of my friends, though their lives were in turmoil as well.
The apartment we lived in was in fact two, though it was billed as one. My sister and her daughters lived upstairs. After a little while she moved out, and Tori and I took over the upstairs. Things were still not much better. With the strain I was under, having lost most of my friends, and unable to hang out much with the ones I had, being alone most of the time with a small child..our marriage was strained. My depression was still mostly in control of my thoughts, and I very much felt that Tori did not love me, and wanted to get rid of me, only choosing to keep me around because of our child. So I sought friends, looking up anyone I could from my past, high school friends, even my middle school friends. Sadly most had moved away, or had life changes that did not mesh with mine. And so my isolation grew, and eventually the only contact I could make with old friends was, the woman I had unresolved issues with, Jeanette.
My feelings for her had not waned over the years, and with the feeling that Tori did not want me anymore, I latched on to my feelings for Jeanette. I thought to myself “Well, if Tori doesn’t want me, and Jeanette might, perhaps I should follow that course instead.”